Sunday, May 18, 2008

My Advice to Me

Have you ever found yourself having to take your own advice?
I wonder if there is anything more annoying.
Not that I don’t give good advice.
Actually my advice is often very good and dead on (my opinion).
That's what makes it so annoying when I finally start thinking about my own situation and I think….. if I were me coming to me with this situation what would I tell me to do.
Anyone confused? Don't worry, I won't say that again.
So, if you are still with me, and haven't left the blog out of boredom or confusion, I'll explain where all this is leading or where it all comes from.
I hate to admit it, really, really hate to admit it…..but this involves a man. Damn! I feel like a cliché already.
Huh, y'all probably figured that out somewhere around the second sentence.
Things are not going as I wish...sigh...likely not as he wished either but I can't know that for sure.
And I have finally concluded that I have to let it go. Not totally ignore him, because I like the guy as a person and friend, but let it go in terms of any expectations. You know, that’s what messes you up. The expectations. I try not to have any until well into the friendship/relationship and I did the same here but what can I say….sometimes ya just get blindsided.
I am almost but not quite, ashamed to admit that at this point in life if a man doesn’t give me very good reason to believe he is interested in anything other than flirting then I just keep it light and stupid and don’t invest any true feelings in the conversations, much. So, believe me , I had good reason to believe this was going somewhere. But I also know/knew that the man had "issues" (yes an extremely over used word but you know what I mean). I knew this because he straight up told me. I like/liked that about him. He didn’t seem to want to hide anything and I understood and was willing to deal with the problems he mentioned.
Now here comes the advice part:
My Advice to Me #1 - I am the first person to tell…anyone…that you can not and should never attempt to change another person. People are what they are and unless they wish to change they won't. And sometimes even if they wish to change they still won't. Hey, let's admit it….change is difficult. Most of us like life to remain status quo. Well…unless it sucks. And even then many are not willing to do what is necessary to make it different. I digress. Back to me or him. What does this have to do with anything? Well, his "issues" involve past problems and these have colored his perspective on life, love, relationships, etc. Now we all knew this from the beginning but he wished to change and I sure as hell was happy to assist and/or encourage him. I mean, I liked him as friend and was more than happy to go past that but yeah it would have necessitated a radical change in his thinking and beliefs. I should have known better. Hell, I did know better but…well….I wanted it to work. Silly me.
Of course, I am leaving lots of stuff out of this blog. For brevities sake, and cause who wants to hear all the sometimes gory and most times boring details. My purpose here is to hit the advice highlights.
Anyhoo, blah, blah, blah…..stuff happened, etc…..we laughed , we cried (okay not really), it worked then it didn't .
One of us tried to protect the other one from the other one………hmmm…anyone understand that?
Okay, he wanted to protect me from him…..which sounded really stupid to me at the time…still does but being the generous person I am (see stupid sucker) I am going to believe that he believes it.
We come to….
My Advice to Me #2 - (Okay, I hate this one …..cue Sting...) "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were." Richard Bach
Yes, it is an annoying quote but I think its based on truth. Humans are thinking beings, most of us, and we have free will. Ya can't make someone do anything. Hmmm…you can but you shouldn't. You can sometimes force a relationship to work using such time honored tools such as guilt or sex or whatever but then it becomes some kind of weird codependency thing. Soooo…. No matter how right you may think something is if the other person isn't where you are (emotionally) then it just doesn’t work.
Having come to this brilliant conclusion I moved on to….
My Advice to Me # 3 - life is too short to hate or to carry a grudge or to bother to assign blame. I truly believe this and I can't think of anyone I truly hate (not even the ex-husband that I ought to hate but basically just feel sorry for). There are those I am not overly fond of but no hates. And I try not to carry grudges. So why bring this up? Because, damn it, my feelings were/are involved and they have been hurt and damned if I don't want someone to blame and hate and have a grudge against. But I know, there is no real point to it and the hater, grudge bearer, blamer generally only ends up hurting his/herself, so why go there? Danged good advice! Damn it …I want heads to roll!!!!... Mini rant over, moving on.
Last Piece of Advice to Me - Venting can be good for you. Downright cathartic! Yep, I believe that. It's not good to keep stuff bottled up. Not that I think we should all go around bitching and kvetching about every little thing. Nope, that’s just pathetic and whiney. But sometimes there are things you need to get off your chest. Talking to someone or even writing it down, like this, can make you feel a little and sometimes a lot better and I think it helps you work it through.
So….having said that I feel better.
I mean sure still a little sad, a little why-oh-why didn't it work but as they say…..
The sun will come out tomorrow and
It's always darkest before the dawn and
Every cloud has a silver lining and
Men are like buses another one comes along every 15 minutes.
Ha! That last one is such a lie. Or else they discontinued service in my area.
I gotta get me a new schedule.
Love, Laughter, Peace and Blessings y'all!

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